Emotions Like Waves

This weekend I prepared my “Nest Room” as I’m calling it. I found this sweet sign at Hobby Lobby and knew that it belonged in the room my foster children will be staying in. I hung the sign, repainted a dresser (using sweet white rose knobs I found off Amazon), arranged my furniture, made the bed, and organized the abundance of books, toys, and craft supplies that have been gifted to me by loved ones.

Today I went in to the DCBS office to review and sign off on the 10 page case summary that my R&C worker typed up and submitted after I left. Three things struck me as humorous when reviewing the case summary. 1) She referred to me as having a curvy, rounded figure who was naturally beautiful. Yes, she is my new best friend. 2) She stated that when working I dress professionally, and when home I dress “casually but simply.” She should get major props for so beautifully describing “slob” for my at-home attire. 3) She described my home as “warm and welcoming” and “decorated with an eccentric touch and many handcrafted paintings.” (In truth, her description of my home was so sweet and beautiful I struggled not to tear up.... her perspective is just as I would like to portray my home. Knowing I have been successful warmed my heart!)

Both this weekend while preparing my room and today while reviewing my case summary, I have been overcome with emotions. Emotions that ebb and flow as the waves of the ocean... coming and going constantly. If you follow me on Instagram, you will have seen my post already, but I want to restate something here...

The emotional battle is real. One minute I’m fine, the next completely overwhelmed.

I feel excitement about all the things I’ve been looking forward to... craft making, board games, kid movies, outings, birthday parties, and donut stops before church!

I feel anticipation. It’s as if I’ve been waiting for this for years... I’ve always thought about fostering, and since first calling and inquiring about classes in February the process has felt so long. Five months seems so long at this point!

I feel grief over the life experience that will require a sweet flower to have to come and stay with me for a while. While this is a dream I’m getting to live out it is a time of separation or abandonement, trauma and fear, discouragement and distrust for the small one entering my home. At times I feel guilty for my joy over this journey. I’m constantly reminding myself that I have been put in this position to bring warmth, security, comfort, safety, and joy to others that need it. And it’s okay for me to find delight in that. I grieve the precipitating events/situations and am elated to participate in the healing that follows.

I feel nervous, that I’m not ready or prepared enough to take on this responsibility. I’ve mentioned it before, this is a radical shift for me. I’m fully aware of the blissfully independent, isolative, and (knowingly) lazy life style I’ve been living for the past 6 years. It’s possible that I’m using the term “nervous” when really I mean “fear” of the adjustment period.

I feel confidence and gratitude, considering the ridiculous amount of love and support that I’ve found through this process in my family, friends, and most of all in my coworkers. It was a coworker who first challenged me to consider why I wasn’t fostering at this stage in my life when I had worked so hard to  convince myself I wasn’t ready. It was my CEO and Supervisor who encouraged me to sign up for classes. It was a best friend/co-worker and a very close friend/neighbor who threw me a baby shower several weeks ago. It was an entire group of coworkers that presented me with a $500 gift card to Walmart at said shower. It has been these same coworkers who have showered me with craft supplies, children’s books, hair bows, and toys. I have not had one negative word spoken over me since I voiced my intent to be a foster parent this year. That is incredible to say and most certainly adds to my confidence and sense of security.

Finally, I feel comforted. I find rest and peace in the knowledge that Sweet King Jesus is watching over this whole process and wants to have His way in it. I am not alone. I have a supernatural support. Need some parental advice? I’ll speak to the father of millions. He knows a thing or two about raising kids. Need some encouragement? I’ll speak to the author of my dreams, who wrote these desires on my heart by hand. Need someone to vent to? I’ll call my mom. Just kidding! (Not really, but keep reading anyway.) I’ll speak to the one who knows not only my thoughts, my heart, and my situation... but will be the One most intimately aquainted with the sweet soul I’ll be housing. There is no better resource than this.

There are many emotions being felt here at Shady Corner. And many more to come.

If you are reading this, dear friend, please continue to pray for me. Pray for my ocean of emotions to be calmed. Pray for my mind and heart to be prepared for this first placement. Pray for the child and this difficult transition. Pray for the parents/care-givers, the workers, the judges, the lawyers, and everyone involved. I plan on eventually listing some specifics that can be prayed over, if you are so inclined. But for now I just ask that you pray. That is more than enough.

“Prayer should be our first response, not our last resort.” —Rachel Wojo