No Strings Attached

I am currently reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and after only 7 chapters in I have cried twice. This little bit of time has been a revealing soul search, let me tell you! Literally.

What he has written about so far has been simple, yet profound (great book review, right!? Amazon top verified reviewer, here I come!). Seriously though, it is bringing an awareness to my hidden (and ignored) insecurities. I didn't even realize until tonight that I have slipped back into the insecurity of believing that Jesus doesn't like me. That He wouldn't like me if He "really met me." (As if He doesn't know me already, *insert eye roll* but you get the point.) I am able to depersonalize it and delude myself into thinking I haven't exposed myself, my true self, to Jesus since He isn't actually here in person. And along with this delusion comes the belief that I would never be His choice. The lie that I'm not chosen. The picture of being lost in a crowd of other "unwanted ones", a root for my struggle with loneliness.

In his book, Miller writes "Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will." Ouch. I was writing all this in my journal tonight and decided to look back at my last entry. Of course, it's about earning my righteousness and by being disciplined. I have ALWAYS had the mentality of "I just need discipline to fix my life." I never think of it as a bad thing either, because in it I am acknowledging that the source of all I need is found in God. I just go about it the wrong way and depend on the wrong things. Instead of simply (and I do mean "simply") placing my trust in Him, I make a check list. My confidence comes from incorrectly trusting myself to fulfill my newly written goals - thus earning what I am seeking.

"If I go to church more regularly... I won't be so lost in what I am supposed to be doing with my life."
"If I read my Bible more... I'll be more willing to love."
"If I spend 20 minutes in prayer before work every day... I won't spend the whole day complaining."

All those things are good, and they place me in the position of being closer to God and more attune to to His will... but are they the actual source? No.
My receiving that joy, contentment, wisdom, compassion, etc., has become to me a reward of having perfect discipline. And the mentality that without perfect discipline, I will never be fulfilled.

I don't accept what is freely given.

Are all those things that I mentioned good and godly? Yup. Will they light a fire in me to pursue Him even more, and to build the desire to obey His will? Yes. But do I have to depend on MY efforts, MY work, MY accomplishments to save me from a life of loneliness and emptiness? Never.

Typically though, it is beyond my thinking to imagine receiving those things mentioned without first proving myself worthy, proving myself "like-able" through completing those tasks. I struggle so much with the fear of not being lovable. I fear I can never make another close friend. I fear that I am too "__insert disdainful word here__" to be invited to a gathering. I fear being forgotten. I fear that my best friends will never love me as much as I love them. That I will never be valued by anyone other than my mom and aunt (there is no doubt of their love, they don't allow it.) My best friend recently posted a status on Facebook where, after she commented that she was craving pancakes, her husband made her cinnamon pancakes, freshly made blueberry topping, and homemade whipped cream. I caught myself wondering if someone would ever want to do something like that for me on a regular basis - and found that I can't really picture it. Now, do not get me wrong and take me for being ungrateful. I have wonderful family and friends that do many sweet and generous things for me. My mom loves me more than anyone in the world. But other than receiving the occasional gift and being a temporary house guest in the home of a highly hospitable person, I can't picture someone serving me without the expectation of return. Usually I feel that I give the gifts, I bake the food, I take the time. I can't picture a marriage where we serve each other as equally and willingly. Is this being selfish? Undoubtedly. Don't think I don't recognize this. It is still a place where I struggle in my insecurity of fear of being unlovable, and a left-over choice.

It's the same in my relationship with Jesus. I forget that He gives without a request alongside it. That He wants to give me good things when I have been ugly.

I want to accept God's grace without trying to earn it. I want to be forgiven for my ugly, selfish, dark heart - without forcing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for the necessity of cleansing me, the embarrassment of there being anything wrong in the first place. I want to get rid of condemnation, and accept that I can't be good/kind/loving on my own.
And after I've done that, I want to do those things that I did mention (praying, reading my Bible, etc.) but not because I'm trying to force my contentment or buy my freedom. I want to do it because being in God's presence is where I am comfortable. Because learning his thoughts, and hearing what He has to say is utterly desirable. And I will.

I will be fascinated with Jesus, no strings attached.