Disclaimer: I am not a gifted writer. I am more disorganized in thought and speech than ever before, and make no attempt to hide it. That being said, I still want to share my thoughts and experiences and am making a commitment to writing a blog update once per month. So here we go!
I’m 29 and single. I often joke that the only thing I do with my spare time is sit on the couch, eat Doritos, and watch too many episodes of Frasier and the Golden Girls. While I joke about this, it’s also true. I work hard during the day, and veg out even harder when I come home. To be honest, I have some habits that need to change. I stopped going to church a couple years ago. Work was chaotic, busy, draining, and I simply didn’t have the energy to walk through the doorway of my home on the weekends into a public place. I didn’t want to make plans, sit awkwardly through forced chit chat, or hear another person tell me that I needed to quit my job and find a new one. Things have drastically changed since that time in my life, things are a lot better at work and I’m not constantly exhausted. But I haven’t gotten back in church. I know I need to, I know where I will be going, and I know that I need to make it happen. How I spend my time off of work is another habit that drastically needs to change. I need to be more productive and more creative. I should use my time to better myself or others, but I don’t. I rest, and I have claimed that is enough.
Well, things are about to forcefully change and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Next week I should be approved as a licensed foster parent for the Department of Community Based Services in the state of Kentucky. I will be opening my home to girls between the ages of 5-10, offering a warm and safe place whenever it is needed. I’ve known for a long time that this is something I wanted to do, but I’ve always had too many excuses for why I shouldn’t.
My job is too consuming.
I’m single.
I rent.
I have student loans I’ll be paying on for eternity.
The list goes on and on...
Earlier this year while sitting at lunch with a friend she asked me why I wasn’t already fostering. I listed those well versed excuses and was caught off guard with her challenge of “Well, aren’t these all things you would be self-sacrificing for if you were to start your own family anyways?” It was like a slap in the face. I have always planned on getting married and having kids. That hasn’t happened and may not, but if it were... then yes! I would still start a family despite my job, despite renting, despite my student loan debt, etc. So why not now? That one question opened my eyes to the foolishness of my excuses, and the reality of this: If not now then when?
The next week I called a social worker and signed up for the next round of training classes. Six weeks of classes, five hours of online trainings, mounds of paperwork, three home studies, and a lot of anticipation later... I’m done! I can be ready to have a kid within a matter of 1-2 weeks. Days, really.
This new chapter is going to change a lot for me. My entire daily life will be shaken. When I wake up, cooking and meal prepping, efficiency at work (to get off at a decent time), coming home and putting more effort into keeping my home tidy (because we all know kids make some fantastic messes), free time, self-care, overall busyness... all of this is going to change. And I can’t wait! I need to be challenged. I need to focus on something outside of work and myself. What better way to do so than to open my home to a kid that needs a warm and safe environment for the time being.
Will it be hard? Obviously. I can’t even tell you how many times I have heard “I could never do that... I would get way too attached.” Or, “Savannah! Are you sure that’s a good idea for you? I don’t think you can handle the goodbyes....” And in some ways, they are right. I WILL get too attached. I probably WONT handle the goodbyes very well. It’s going to be incredibly challenging, difficult, and heart-wrenching. But I’m ready. I’m ready to use my time and my home to better the life of someone else. I’m excited about the opportunity to work with kids outside of the professional role in my workplace. I want to be there for the good and the bad for a kid that needs someone. I want to be the one that healthy and attached relationships are formed with. I want to hold hands, give hugs, and wipe away tears on difficult days. I want to play games, go on fun outings, do craft projects, and watch Moana 100 times a day. I want to argue about how we’ve already had chicken nuggets too many times this week to cook them again. I want to work on Life Books, go to treatment team meetings, work on loving and supporting biological parents in getting their kids back home safely, and see kids reunified with family members. I want this experience, both the good and the bad.
If you know me at all, you know change is difficult for me. (Difficult, not impossible.) Once, I changed offices at work (same hallway, seven doors down) and had to leave my desk in the old office. I swear, I grieved for three weeks over that old desk. It’s ridiculous, I know. What can I say? I am the way I am. Ha! Don’t worry, I am not disillusioned to how hard this will be for me. The adjustment to a new life in my house, the responsibilities that accompany it, the certain heart-ache that will come with separations and goodbyes are all things I am doing my best to mentally prepare for. But I am ready, I am willing, and I am grateful for this opportunity. It’s happening. And that’s all there is to it.
9 years ago when this blog was first created, I never thought I would be sitting here praying for and writing about the sweet little flowers that are soon to enter my home. Yet here we are.
“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” - Dr. Seuss
